Take Heart

And so Tuesday is almost over. Home Sweet Home. And what of today? Got up at 7.05 am. I sent a few text messages to some friends, wishing them a Happy Valentine’s day. Not sure if it was the wisest thing world, but most people replied with good wishes.

There was not a lot of love on the Central Line today. It is perhaps too tedious to write about, so I will not even bother! Did I notice that it was St Valentine’s Day, actually no. Well, not unless you count the queue of men standing in line in front of the flower stall by the station in the evening.  It was almost hilarious, except for the fact that I knew, that nobody would be buying flowers for me in any part of London town or the world.  So I suppressed my laughter, at least until I got onto the Tube. In fact it was quite an ordinary day. I managed to present the teaching session I worked on at the weekend. Not sure how successful it was but it is done now. Met the medical student and felt awful for telling him that he needed to attend as many sessions as possible, instead of all the other things he had planned. Not the greatest of starts. And then I sent a slightly ‘annoyed’ e-mail to my colleagues about the whole thing, which I felt very uncomfortable doing because, I simply do not do confrontation.

And the journey home was thankfully less eventful than the morning (and no blue eyes today). Instead, sat in my usual seat in the front of the first carriage and attempted to read CS Lewis’s ‘Four Loves’.  I bought it the last time I went to HTB (29^th January 2012), in addition to another CS Lewis book – ‘The Problem of Pain’ (cheerful person, aren’t I?). But I somehow am drawn to his writings. It goes without saying that I was a big fan of the Chronicles of Narnia. However I have not yet succumbed to the adult temptation to buy up the childhood books; neither have I watched any of the Narnia films in circulation. I remember a time when I was a little girl, when I truly thought Aslan was real and a Saviour. I remember thinking that because I was a Leo, I too would live forever. But of course, real life got in the way and the truth became clear!  Anyway I digress. I got up to page 4 of the ‘Four Loves’.  It seems there is a Gift-Love and a Need-Love. The lines at the beginning of page 2 struck me as poignant: “We are born helpless. As soon as we are fully conscious we discover loneliness. We need others physically, emotionally, intellectually; we need them if we are to know anything, even ourselves”. Perhaps I am feeling a little maudlin! But I do not think so, just an appreciation on how life is. If I can keep awake and there is space to move, I will continue tomorrow morning.

And in the news of the UK – gloomy outlook for the UK credit rating – could lose the triple A rating within 18 months. (On a completely random note – I used to love the letter ‘A’ when playing the red letter at school.  I have three A’s in my name, which meant that I got to take three steps forward when the letter ‘A’ was called out, thus taking me closer to the front.  But did I ever win the game? Did I ever?).  Rangers go into administration and the Duchess goes to Liverpool. Inflation is falling; David Cameron tells us this is a good thing.

This time last year on St Valentine’s Day, I was at work at until the late evening. I was clerking in a patient that suddenly appeared on our patient list.  I was ‘fending’ off advances from the geriatrician, who wanted to take me out for a Valentine’s meal. I had heard that I did not get one job but there was  another job. So it was a time of stress, flux and hopefulness.  The next job I did get. And the geriatrician – well, he is now married, and I am still single. A little voice within me, keeps telling me, that perhaps I should not have let the geriatrician go. But I know that it would not have been right. I remember in 2010, I spent Valentine’s day – or at least part of – in the prayer room at Church.  Somehow on that day, I somehow felt very loved and blessed in a way that I had never felt before, or since really. Not quite sure what has happened since then. All I know that it has been difficult to be authentic since that point. Perhaps, maybe this is why we need to pray so much, to maintain that relationship and all relationships.

And as for tomorrow, clinic and then in the evening the homeless shelter. I am hoping to make it and be helpful and a tiny bit less self-absorbed!

à bientôt