Joshua

It's midnight and I am just crawling into bed now, what a long day. I am more tired than I thought I would be and I can bearly keep my eyes open or stop yawning. Have just got back from helping at the homeless shelter and I just want to sleep.

Today seemed long and tomorrow is only a few hours away, so this is going to be a short one. The Tube journey was uneventful and I did not stay awake enough to read anymore of the 'Four Loves'. I did however manage to listen to the HTB sermon by Nikki Lee on 'Transforming Relationships'. I will have to tell you about it another day but it was a very timely talk for me. I forgot to tell you that I received an invite from WBC for the Disciple and Mentoring course. I am seriously considering joining. Although I am pretty certain that I could not do it for real.  I have never been mentored myself and I am the least disciplined person I know. However I guess the thing is that I would not be alone but be guided by God and my other Christian brothers and sisters. We shall see...

When I eventually got to work, I spent the first 30 minutes on the phone to a social worker. Spent the rest of the morning dictating letters. Then discovered at one fifteen that no patients had been booked into my clinic, therefore spent the rest of the day completing my dictation and trying to complete my next teaching presentation on ADHD. I was going to say that I left work early but actually I simply left work before six. I went to WHSmith to buy a diary for 2012. Even thought I am trying to complete this daily blog - I still have to keep a written diary. I have kept one since I was 10 I think, they are all piled on a shelf in my back room. They are all page a day, except for 2011. For some reason I thought I would try something different and just write whenever the mood ovetook me. The result was a very short diary that started on 5th February and ended on 31st December with 15 enteries. The content was really boring too - just pages of ' I am so lonely'/ ''Oh my goodness I am 35 this year!' does not make for interesting reading!! So nothing really has changed this year but I am sure I shall be able to write something positive and productive for 33 lines each page. Having bought my diary, I did a guilty walk through Monsoon, their clothes are lovely.

Then, back to reality I took the train to South Kensington to St Pauls, Onslow Square.  I have volunteered to help at the homeless shelter that is set up every Wednesday evening. It is part of West London Churches Homeless Concern. I go once a month and serve the homeless food for the evening. If I get there early, like today, I help with setting the tables - cultery, water and buttering the bread, taking out hot drinks to the guys outside.  We have a choice of serving food, washing up or hosting a table.  For the past three occasions that I have done this, I have hosted a table and I did this today.  It is quite an experience. We have a three course meal, soup for starter, lamb and coucous for main meal and fruit crumble and custard for pudding. The food is actually quite nice. The guests are also pleasant too and very chatty. My table today was relatively quiet, Philip, Adam, May and Hannah (names changed)  All with different tales to tell about life and the immediate day.  Hannah told me she had been painting part of the day and told me a little bit about her family. May was an Afrikaaner, living in London for the past 14 months. She said she was not feeling well and therefore I launched into taking a medical history and rightly guessed her medical condition but she said her was stable. Adam was a fellow Nigerian and therefore we had a lively discussion on child-rearing in the UK versus Nigeria and the wonders of Nigerian food. Philip, was silent and thoughtful, seated at the head of the table, watching and listening to everything. Occasionally walking over to the side of the Church to check on his friend Stuart who was not feeling so good this evening.  The funniest thing at the end of the meal, was Hannah pointing out a piece of vegetable on the table. "That's a tooth!". I told her it was not a tooth. She then told me, that she had been laughing all evening at me because she thought it was my tooth on the table.  Clearly she had not taken taken note of my full 'toothful' smile! I had a few chats with a few of the other people volunteering. The lawyer with the human rights interest, currently working as an estate agent, with a girlfriend who works as a nurse at Great Ormond Street Hospital. Learnt about the exorbutant rents for two bedrooms flats in Chelsea. Then there was John, this young thing, full of energy and clearly a passion for Christ and spreading the gospel and somehow reminded me of Tigger, bouncing around and just unstoppable! I am pretty certain we shall be seeing more of him at HTB. I think he was the one that Pete Grieg was praying over at the Kingdom Come 'thing' last month. And the evening came to an end at 10.00pm we finished with a prayer and were allowed to go home. I never really know quite what to make of these evenings. I guess if I thought too deeply about it, I might not come to conclusions that would be particularly comfortable to hear/bear.  I have yet to speak to another Christian or another person about. I have one more evening to go, sometime in March.  I did not think, when I first signed up in September that I would be able to sustain volunteering every week. I am not sure what I will do after March. We shall see. I may well go back to the hospital visiting but we shall see.

(This elephant sits or rather stands in the front garden of a house along the road from St Paul's, Onslow Square. I think it is one of the 200 model elephants that were dotted around London before they were auctioned to raise money to protect India's elephants. I love model elephants. They are scattered all over my flat in various forms. The summer these elephants were in London, I took lots of pictures [now on Facebook page near you!])

And so now I am tucked up in my bed, thinking about tomorrow. Clinic in the morning and meeting in the afternoon. I will need to do some preparation and therefore will need to get up a little earlier than normal. I do not like getting up in the dark! Walking to the station, when the street light are on, is not much fun. However it is all good, all good. I have not had much chance to listen to the news today, however all the headlines I have heard and seen have been the usual catalogue of bad news, doom and gloom! Perhaps I ought to counter balance my record of news in 2012 with the good news reports that I saw on Twitter one day, related to CS Lewis. Anyway, enough already.

O di aaro!

Take Heart

And so Tuesday is almost over. Home Sweet Home. And what of today? Got up at 7.05 am. I sent a few text messages to some friends, wishing them a Happy Valentine’s day. Not sure if it was the wisest thing world, but most people replied with good wishes.

There was not a lot of love on the Central Line today. It is perhaps too tedious to write about, so I will not even bother! Did I notice that it was St Valentine’s Day, actually no. Well, not unless you count the queue of men standing in line in front of the flower stall by the station in the evening.  It was almost hilarious, except for the fact that I knew, that nobody would be buying flowers for me in any part of London town or the world.  So I suppressed my laughter, at least until I got onto the Tube. In fact it was quite an ordinary day. I managed to present the teaching session I worked on at the weekend. Not sure how successful it was but it is done now. Met the medical student and felt awful for telling him that he needed to attend as many sessions as possible, instead of all the other things he had planned. Not the greatest of starts. And then I sent a slightly ‘annoyed’ e-mail to my colleagues about the whole thing, which I felt very uncomfortable doing because, I simply do not do confrontation.

And the journey home was thankfully less eventful than the morning (and no blue eyes today). Instead, sat in my usual seat in the front of the first carriage and attempted to read CS Lewis’s ‘Four Loves’.  I bought it the last time I went to HTB (29^th January 2012), in addition to another CS Lewis book – ‘The Problem of Pain’ (cheerful person, aren’t I?). But I somehow am drawn to his writings. It goes without saying that I was a big fan of the Chronicles of Narnia. However I have not yet succumbed to the adult temptation to buy up the childhood books; neither have I watched any of the Narnia films in circulation. I remember a time when I was a little girl, when I truly thought Aslan was real and a Saviour. I remember thinking that because I was a Leo, I too would live forever. But of course, real life got in the way and the truth became clear!  Anyway I digress. I got up to page 4 of the ‘Four Loves’.  It seems there is a Gift-Love and a Need-Love. The lines at the beginning of page 2 struck me as poignant: “We are born helpless. As soon as we are fully conscious we discover loneliness. We need others physically, emotionally, intellectually; we need them if we are to know anything, even ourselves”. Perhaps I am feeling a little maudlin! But I do not think so, just an appreciation on how life is. If I can keep awake and there is space to move, I will continue tomorrow morning.

And in the news of the UK – gloomy outlook for the UK credit rating – could lose the triple A rating within 18 months. (On a completely random note – I used to love the letter ‘A’ when playing the red letter at school.  I have three A’s in my name, which meant that I got to take three steps forward when the letter ‘A’ was called out, thus taking me closer to the front.  But did I ever win the game? Did I ever?).  Rangers go into administration and the Duchess goes to Liverpool. Inflation is falling; David Cameron tells us this is a good thing.

This time last year on St Valentine’s Day, I was at work at until the late evening. I was clerking in a patient that suddenly appeared on our patient list.  I was ‘fending’ off advances from the geriatrician, who wanted to take me out for a Valentine’s meal. I had heard that I did not get one job but there was  another job. So it was a time of stress, flux and hopefulness.  The next job I did get. And the geriatrician – well, he is now married, and I am still single. A little voice within me, keeps telling me, that perhaps I should not have let the geriatrician go. But I know that it would not have been right. I remember in 2010, I spent Valentine’s day – or at least part of – in the prayer room at Church.  Somehow on that day, I somehow felt very loved and blessed in a way that I had never felt before, or since really. Not quite sure what has happened since then. All I know that it has been difficult to be authentic since that point. Perhaps, maybe this is why we need to pray so much, to maintain that relationship and all relationships.

And as for tomorrow, clinic and then in the evening the homeless shelter. I am hoping to make it and be helpful and a tiny bit less self-absorbed!

à bientôt

Detached...

This is the first time that I have written on a work day/evening. Normally I am too tired and brain drained to write.  I thought I might write every day for a week - so I can see in black and white, just how it is.  OK so here goes. 

Morning starts with me waking up a little later than expected i.e. 6.45 am. I notice that I am running out of my favorite shower gel (Body Shop Satsuma) and make a mental note to buy some more in the Body Shop opposite my place of work (which I did not do today - I forgot. My mental notes are not very effective). I listen to Whitney Houston on the iPod while brushing my teeth (gosh this is sounding so boring already!!). No breakfast - never really get up in time for this to occur in a non-frazzled way. I was planning that this would be part of the new me in 2012 - i.e. eating breakfast. However this does not seem to have happened. It is a throwback from my days as a junior when the thought of doing the morning ward round would make my stomach wrap up in knots and food just seemed unappealing before 11 am.  And of course after the ward round I would be so hungry, that food would be all I could think of. Anyway I digress.

Today I had to get to Hounslow, the most exciting part of my 2 hour trek was the fact that I discovered today that  the district circle and picadilly lines are in different places at Hammersmith station.  So slightly sleepy-eyed I was walking across the road in Hammersmith at 8.40. The last time I was there was in 2000 one summer evening waiting for a friend. I remember that we had a lovely walk along the river, eating fish and chips. I still have the picture. And for a long time I could not drive by or walk by the Hammersmith bridge without crying. Anyway I digress again.

Work is as work does. Realised that I need to raise my game. Need to be more driven, motivated and actually achieve something this year.  I need to focus and not take my eye of the ball.  Need to set myself better goals, realistic and acheivable. Just be a little, or a much better version of me. So, meeting and then clinic. And clinic is one of those eye openers and learning experiences, on many many levels. And then leaving do. And then home. Home on the central line and no blue eyes. I am waiting for the day, when that expectation leaves me.

Now tucked away, listening to the radio - late night discussions on the state of the economy and the state of London and all the other problems of the world today. And in my own little world, I remind myself that I still have to decide on my pension 1995 or 2008 buisness. My e-mail tells me there is a water bill to pay.

Two glasses of orange juice and I am trying not to think about the fact that it is Valentine's day tomorrow. The buffer that 'it's all commercial' is not really working this year.  Actually it would be nice to have somebody to whom I could spend time with. However, it is best not to dwell on these things because they never lead to anything positive and productive. I remember today, that the last time I received a Valentines card was in 2004 and I do not think I have ever sent one. Is that unusual or just normal? I think at my age perhaps not even an issue anymore.

I forgot to mention yesterday, that I did not go to Church. Somehow could not make it to either WBC or HTB. I do not think I will be going to either places for sometime.  However I will have to find the time at some point this week, to download the Sunday podcast. I know that this is not really a good alternative to Church because it is as much about the relationships with other people as well as listening to the Word, but now I just cannot do anything else.

So I will prepare for another day in the 'West'.

Goodnight

"Don't look for it Taylor!"

Another weekend tucked away. I have managed to write 1 1/2 presentations (developmental coordination disorder and feeding difficulties in children with cerebral palsy). I am now in the middle of reading through a policy that needs updating - sort of tedious necessar perhaps.  My plans for a walk in the park with my camera, where scuppered by waking up with severe neck pain, I think it was all the sitting I was doing on staring down at the PC screen.

And in the news Whitney Houston is dead. Somehow very sad, because this is an utter waste of life. There are lots of other things I would say, but they would only be based on knowing the half truth, therefore better not said at all. Of course I was one the fans of her music. Reminds me of my junior school days - school disco etc. There was one tape (in the days when we had tapes) that my cousin left behind an old album "I'm your baby tonight". I listened to that album all through the summer with an intensity that being a teenager affords. And then in my late twenties, my little sister left behind her Whitney Houston greatest hits CD behind at my flat. The "throw down" CD was the soundtrack to my weekend blitz of flat cleaning.

And in the news Luis Suarez apologises for yesterday's events on the football pitch. And yes there are many many more pressing and urgent things happening in the world right now but these two stories have been repeated again and again.

Did I tell you last weekend I also read 'The Revelations' by Alex Preston.  It was an impulsive iTunes purchase having heard the book reviewed on Radio 4.  I have to say, that I was most underwhelmed.  I am not sure that I really thought it was authentic.  I assumed that it was based on the Alpha course and other things related to it but I just did not quite buy it.  I have completed 2 1/2 Alpha courses and I do not think things are like that.  Or rather, I would be rather sad and disappointed if they were.  But I think perhaps, that that is a blog for another day.

So this evening, I am making my 'signature' spaghetti bolognese and watching Planet of the Apes.  It's funny, I found it nothing but very scary when I was a little girl but very interesting now."Don't look for it Taylor! You may not like what you find".  "What will he find there doctor?"..."His destiny". " Oh my God. I'm back. I'm home. All the time, it was... We finally really did it.".If I had the time I would buy the DVD box set (I am sure it exists) and just spend a weekend watching the whole lot, fascinating.

Porridge

It is Saturday morning -1 degree outside. I am tucked away in my little flat, eating porridge and writing a presentation for Monday morning teaching. I live a very exciting life!